Becoming Nothing

I’ve slowly been becoming nothing. I started out eager to succeed and I am still eager. However, I’ve gone from wanting to climb the corporate ladder to being completely disgusted by corporate life.

I quit my job 3 years ago. Since then I’ve planned my wedding, moved to Milwaukee where I have taken classes. I started a small photo booth business and founded the Milwaukee French Meet Up group. Originally I was going to graduate school for linguistics, but I hated the program here. Then I decided to explore a second degree in Art, which is another interest. I also take French. Now I look back and realize I would have made a terrible linguist. 

I have worked as a writing tutor but have not been pursuing writing, which was always my life goal. I’ve become distracted with trying to be an artist and film maker. To my credit, I always wanted to have an exhibition of my work. The problem is that I am in a funk and my work isn’t that good. I have hope that it will be better when I am out of my funk, but I’m also skeptical. My grades are ok, but I made a C in a screenplay writing class, which scares me.

Nonetheless, this summer I’m working on the beginning stages of a screenplay because I’m hoping all the art and film classes will have helped me be a better screenplay writer. I’m also reading books on film theory hoping to bypass the elementary classes. But I’ve been so tired in the evenings I’ve not read much.

My plan is to apply to graduate school this winter instead of finishing a second degree. If I don’t get in, I don’t know what I will do.

I’m pregnant with twins. I should get a job because they are going to be expensive and relying on my husband for our sole income while I go to school and spend money on my self interest is selfish.

When people ask me what I do I don’t know what to tell them. I’ve been so sick this summer that I haven’t produced any finished work. I have access to a studio that I haven’t used.  So I can’t tell them I’m a fine artist. I’ve barely made any film so I can’t tell them I’m a film student.

When I look at what I should update my resume with I get worried that I’ve got nothing good. I feel that I have not been a straight shooter.

My indecision, I fear, I turning me into nothing. I feel unqualified for anything.

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